As a mother, nothing can prepare you for when something bad happens to your child. You always want the best for someone who you love unconditionally, and you can spend a lifetime trying your best to make that happen. But life isn’t straightforward, though, and despite our best intentions, things can spiral out of control.

Fear, isolation, and a road to gang life

In the early 2010s, my son Jason was arrested under the suspicion of murder related to a serious knife crime incident in the area we lived in. I was understandably extremely shocked but wasn’t in panic mode just yet, as I knew deep down that he would never kill anyone. But sadly, I wasn’t so sure this was the case with some of the new ‘associates’ he had been making in recent years. When my sons were still children, their dad went to prison for seven years, for dealing drugs, and things went downhill. He was not able to help to guide and discipline our sons as much as he should have been if he was around. I’m sure there are also many things I could have done better too. Despite this, my son was on a relatively decent path as a young teenager, playing for a professional football academy in London.

The descent into gang life

Unfortunately, a couple of serious issues derailed him and sparked his descent into gang life. An older boy at his school started bullying him, which instilled a new level of fear in him and a mindset that there was more safety with numbers behind you. His football also started to go downhill too, and he didn’t have a male role model to speak to at the time about its impact on him.

There’ll be parents like me who don’t realise the extent of their involvement until it is too late. At first, there were a few noticeable signs that Jason may have joined a gang: new faces started hanging around the house and knocking for him, he became disinterested in his previous passions and left his job, and he was also seen by the manager of his footballing project in a YouTube rap video promoting gang life.

You want to intervene, and I did try to many times, even contacting the police about the rap video – but it’s a delicate balance how far to go to not push them away further. I really struggled to know where to turn. I probably could have done things differently, but this isn’t something you are told how to deal with, especially as a single parent at the time. Advice isn’t easy to come by, particularly as the police’s priority is to deter and deal with crime – so, I would inevitably be condemning my son by talking to them more than I already had been.

The gangster mentality

It is only now through mine and Jason’s chats while he is in prison that I know what he had been getting up to. What started with fear and social isolation at school, was further fuelled by drugs, alcohol and gang members who he looked up to. Jason has also since expressed that gang life becomes like an addictive drug in itself: respect, notoriety, no more fear, pushing boundaries, and loads of people surrounding you who you think have your back. The more crime and bad things you do to people, the worse the ‘gangster mentality’ gets and you value yourself less.

Once Jason had immersed himself in gang life, things just continued to escalate and get worse. I remember sitting in my kitchen and said to my friend, “I’m going to lose my house”. It wasn’t long after that there was a stabbing of a teenage boy that Jason knew well, who was in the same gang. This just spiralled into a series of awful acts with rival gangs out for revenge. It culminated in another young boy being brutally stabbed to death – a murder my son and others would be arrested for.

You want to intervene, and I did try to many times, even contacting the police about the rap video – but it’s a delicate balance how far to go to not push them away further. I really struggled to know where to turn. I probably could have done things differently, but this isn’t something you are told how to deal with, especially as a single parent at the time. Advice isn’t easy to come by, particularly as the police’s priority is to deter and deal with crime – so, I would inevitably be condemning my son by talking to them more than I already had been.

A life sentence and the pain of uncertainty

After 16 months on bail, Jason was charged with the murder alongside multiple associates. He was remanded in custody until the trial, which lasted six weeks. When the jury went out, I thought it will all be over soon. That wasn’t the case. The Jury came back with a guilty verdict. I will never forget that day, it was like someone had ripped my heart out.

When the judge was sentencing my son, he said, remarkably, that there was no evidence he had carried a knife and was even at the scene – with no traces of his DNA or eyewitnesses. However, he was said to be close by and heavily linked to the others, so, for that, was sentenced to life for a secondary role, serving a minimum sentence of 18 years.

I desperately feel for the family and friends of the deceased, nobody should ever have to bury a child taken far too early in such a way. It is truly horrific what goes on in gang life.

Turning the tide: Redemption and a new purpose

Jason has worked hard to turn his life around in prison over the years. He is the first to admit he should have never been there in the first place and got himself wrapped up in that world.

It is a mistake he owns and atones for it daily. Fortunately, he has trained to become a personal trainer in prison and is working towards a degree – he wants to stop others from following in his footsteps to use his lived experiences to deter others from getting into that lifestyle and help find ways to get them out once in.

Most importantly, he can express to youths the reality of soul-destroying lies you are sold. These people are nowhere to be seen when you are sent away. Gang life causes nothing but pain and destruction – you either end up destroying yourself and your family, get sent to prison, or even get murdered if you stay around long enough.

The message to others: The reality of gang life

Jason has worked hard to turn his life around in prison over the years. He is the first to admit he should have never been there in the first place and got himself wrapped up in that world.

If there is one thing Jason and I want people to take away from this piece, it is this – equip yourself with the skills, knowledge and confidence to never need to join a gang – you will not find one person who is better off for it in the long run.

Most importantly, he can express to youths the reality of soul-destroying lies you are sold. These people are nowhere to be seen when you are sent away. Gang life causes nothing but pain and destruction – you either end up destroying yourself and your family, get sent to prison, or even get murdered if you stay around long enough.